How to Forgive

A few years ago, I wrote a blog entry entitled “Who do you need to forgive?” I just re-read it and it was a good lesson in identifying the person(s) you need to forgive and why. If you need a little help with that, it may just bless you, so check it out.  

What I didn’t delve into was how to forgive. Forgiveness is easy to talk about but more difficult to do. That is compounded when you don’t really have a plan to follow. I’m no expert on the topic, but I have been in situations where it was hard to forgive an offense and I have sought help from the Holy Spirit in those cases to forgive and move forward. Between that and my study of the subject, I’ve found a few tips that may help you as they are helping me. 

Before we get too far, let’s recap what forgiveness is. Generally speaking according to psychologists, forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget or condone the offence, but it does mean letting go of the anger that can be exceedingly corrosive in your life.  

So, if forgiveness is a choice, we can choose to do things that we may not really feel like doing. I’ve learned in so many areas of my life, my feelings don’t drive change. I have to make a conscious decision to act and then my feelings will follow suit. For instance, I never feel like exercising. I know I need to do it, but I don’t especially like it.  So in most cases, I do it despite my feelings not because of them. I make a conscious choice to get out of bed and work out. When I do, I always feel better when I’m done. My feelings follow my actions. That too is often how forgiveness works. We begin to act in forgiveness and then our feelings line up. 

So the first tip is to pray for those who’ve hurt you. I know you may not want to do it, or you may want to pray bad things happen to them or pray God’s wrath on them. No!  Pray that God will help you forgive them and that He will forgive and bless them (Mark 11:25). Jesus is our example. Even on the cross after He had been beaten and ridiculed and pushed and everything imaginable, He still asked God to forgive His enemies because they didn’t recognize what they were doing (Luke 23:34). He still showed love and compassion for those who hurt Him. 

The next tip is to remember how you have been forgiven. None of us deserve to be forgiven even when we apologize. It’s freely given from God when we ask, because God the Father, is love (1 John 4:16). His abundant loves pours out on us and we were directed by Jesus to love our neighbor as ourselves. We want to be forgiven, so we too must forgive. Just as God chooses to forgive us, we can choose not to hold an offense against another person who has wronged us whether they are sorry or not (Matt 5:43-44). 

Finally, we should consider how life has shaped the other person. I struggle with this one sometimes especially in a world where racism and sexism and abuse and hatred appear to be on the rise. But, when you think about how many people are “living their truth” having rejected the love of God the Father and God the Son, it makes me sad for them and more compassionate. People can say anything, but their actions tell the truth about who they are. If they don’t show love, then according to the bible they don’t know God (1 John 4:8). That’s His word, not mine. So, it makes me sad for them even in their cruelty or their hate, because they don’t have the peace or joy that knowing God the Father through our relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit brings. Frankly, I don’t understand how people function without them. But this leads me back to the first tip, praying for those who’ve hurt me. 

Remember, forgiveness is about you letting go of the burden and the weight of holding the offense against someone. It sets you free. So, do you want to be a victim or a victor? The choice is yours.